Love, life and living with active alcoholism

Hi everyone,



I wanted to share a recent experience with you and how it has triggered some old memories, feelings and painful emotions. 



Here's a little historical background about me before i begin... 



Currently i am 32, i have a full time job and live in the East End of London. I'm also a recovering alcoholic, i will be sober 5 years in July. I come from a severely dysfunctional background. Both parents are alcoholics and my bro is currently in prison from this illness, he is 24.

So, the experience. I have a landlady who is not very well. She admitted to me during the Christmas of 2009 that her mother is a recovering alcoholic. And that her mum has been sober for 26 years. Yep, pretty impressive amount of time. But, I've met her mother. Her mum is not very nice, not very happy and 100% scary. 



My landlady, lets call her Dee for now, admitted that she thought she might have a problem with alcohol too. I confided with her that i was part of Alcoholics Anonymous. She began to say that her mother put her off AA many years before. This was sad and i felt sorry for her but I did not try to change her mind, AA is about attraction not promotion. 



Anyway, over the last year her behaviour has progressed and deteriorated rapidly. We are not friends she is my landlady but I have always tried to be as accommodating as possible.

A few months ago i had an argument with her new boyfriend, lets call him Frank, he is tall, butch, aggressive and controlling. During the argument I began to have flash backs of times when my father would go for me. In my mind i thought this person was going to hit me. When i was young i would attack first, for fear of being hurt. At once i envisioned smashing him in the face with whatever i could get my hands on. 



But then a new voice was speaking inside my head, it said "Get out now!"... i told him that i was asserting my rights to be silent, and that i would talk to them another time. 



Dee was standing behind him, the flash in my mind showed her mirroring how my mother used to behave. Either goading me into fighting him or vice versa her goading my father into attacking me. 

I walked out the room as calmly as i could.

I was shaking with a mixture of terror and violence. I was scared what i would do to him and her. But, like i said, the new voice was much stronger than me and guided me out of the room.

My old reaction would have been to go for him, try to punch him where ever i could. But something had developed and has finally grown in me. I was able to walk away from the situation and not get embroiled in the sick melodrama.



On that day, i decided that i would no longer be living in this house. My room is a dream. It resembles an artists studio, nothing like i ever imagined to live in. However, i know happiness is much more than how beautiful a room, area or friends are. This experience showed me i do not have to live in such circumstances anymore.



When i was a child i had no choices. I had no voice. I had no family to run to. I had no-one protecting me.

In the last year I have found myself tip toeing on egg shells. Watching every word that i say. Making sure i do not anger her in anyway. Being overly helpful, caring, nice, or even wonderful... the list is endless. 



Does this ring any bells?

Of course. I have been behaving exactly the same way as i did with my parents for 20 odd years. 



The worst thing about this experience is how it has brought up so much pain and hurt from my past. Moments that i believed had been worked through with various therapists. The mark my parents behaviour has left on me will undoubtedly stay with me until i die. However, i have learnt many tools to cope, grow, change and learn about how i react to such situations as the one i described.



Alcoholism is a sad, devastating illness... it touches on every part of society. It does not choose who it touches. It does not care where you are from, what sex you are, height, education nothing! 

All week i have been shrouded under a cloud of acid rain. I noted down the feelings that this week has brought up in me.

And this is what i wrote...



Dee:


Unpredictable

Disorientation
Confusion

Pain
Anger
Constant lies
Constant excuses
Her behaviour is unacceptable

And the final feeling, i have been projecting how i will handle her upon my leaving the house. Will she give me my money back? Will she turn up? Will she bring her angry boyfriend with her? Will she argue and be nasty? Will i have to call the police??

I have constantly had the worse case scenarios in my head... constantly! I have spent all week working out how to cope with her. How to communicate with her next...

To others this may seem utter madness, total insanity! “Why the hell should you waste all of this time?” I can hear them say. Well, if you lived the life that i did, then this over-reaction would seem totally normal and understandable. Because it is!! It is understandable! I spent 20 yrs of my life being morphed and conditioned to accept this way of living. And in the end, it nearly killed me.

As i said before, i will be 5 years sober this July. I had help, lots of help. I'm not diminishing what i did to get sober, happy and sane. All i am saying is that i asked for help. And help came in abundance!

Life is about love, life is about trust, and most of all life is about being happy.



Peace :)

Endless possibilities

There are a ton of sayings in AA that used to really piss me off. But, everything in my early days pissed me off! Now as the years go by the sayings seem to take on new meaning and morph into something that i now know to be true. 

I took pride in myself knowing everything.... at first it was because i was brought up to believe that this was the case. Bullshitting and blagging my way through school, uni, work and of course life..... I was told being weak was a heinous crime. I'm from a family of Irish Catholic, Northern (British), Cockney mixed breed and this brought out the fighter in me (a good old fashioned mongrel). My mother and father were a feisty pair. The love of drama, booze, violence (and probably each other) was always the priority....

I thought that my mum loved the charade...being that, "perfect neighbour" or even that, "perfect mother". She taught me how to make others believe we were doing exceptionally well, but all the while dying a very slow death inside. The thing is, i don't suppose she did love this...fearful of being found out as being a fraud...terrified of people knowing what went on behind closed doors, knowing that our entire existence was a lie!

The house was immaculate, the garden a dream...the path, the flowers, not a blade out of line. The house hoovered and dusted everyday. If i left a dirty glass in my room World War III would rage...she'd chase me round the house with my fathers slippers smacking the backs of my legs. Sometimes chasing me up the stairs...i thought she'd kill me. I cried a lot in my early years. My memories consist of me crying so much that i lose my breathe....it happened frequently.

We lived in a council estate - a pretty nice one compared to some of my friends - but, still a council estate. My mother hated this. The phone would ring and she'd answer instantly putting on the poshest and most proper British accent you would ever hear. I'd sit and cringe feeling totally ashamed of her.... It upset me because I knew she was ashamed of living in a council house.

My father was rarely home. He worked abroad, sent money back, called from time to time talking about this gift or that gift. When he did return his favourite past time was isolating in front of the TV smoking and getting hammered. My dad was uncouth, told dirty jokes (way too young for me to hear them!) was rarely warm, only when he'd had a few jars. On some occasions after travelling on long car journeys the car would pull up outside our house, and i'd pretend to be asleep so he'd carry me to my bed. That was the only time he held me. I cherished those moments. 

My mum also loved to isolate. We didn't have many people over to the house. I later found out that her drunken antics angered and scared away all of her friends, and the neighbours. She made lots of enemies on our street. Telling them to go fuck themselves occasionally when she felt threatened. Giving them the most dirtiest of looks when they annoyed her. It's funny, writing this post shows me how much i became her. 

There were moments sublime, but, as the years fell by so did those moments. By the age of 9 i was deeply depressed and wanted to die. 

Being in AA has shown me that these two people, called mum and dad, were only doing their very best. There were tons of moments that deeply hurt me, but, something unexplainable has happened since coming into the rooms. I've been given the gift of forgiveness and compassion. I've even begun to love them again. 

I can quote masses of the Big Book at you if i so choose, but, not in this posting.... i won't...not today. I want to talk to you about my experience through my eyes. It may resonate with you, it may not.  I want to share, because when i began to drink life FINALLY began for me. At the tender age of 13!!

Up until that moment life had been a thousand scenarios of sadness, loneliness, desperation, fear, and major let downs. Promises constantly broken.... "i'll help you with this...." - "i'll be at home..." - "i'm sorry...." that last one was always a fave for both parents. Followed by, "i'm sorry but...well...you shouldn't make mummy/daddy angry". So when that glorious moment of booze was unleashed into my system i couldn't give a flying fuck what the past was about, what the future held or what would be waiting for me when i got home. For i was ALIVE AND FREE!!!

I remember looking in the mirror feeling it was a pleasurable experience. The reflection wasn't that bad, i wasn't that bad...i was ok, i was NICE!! I was warm, felt loving, smiley, i laughed with ease... there was a sense of freedom in my heart. The prison i'd been caged in (at home and in my soul) was no longer there.

AA has given me the vocabulary to describe that moment. Because i had no idea just how powerful that first drink was. The description of my family life above is not a full description by any means. I've chosen to omit things because quite frankly they do not need to be discussed today. You can kind of read between the lines on some things. I lived in a deeply disturbed house hold. BUT... i'm not an alcoholic because of these factors. I have friends who had shite examples of living and they did not turn out to be alcoholics! 

Lots of my old skool mates grew out of their "wild" moments, went and had kids, got mortgages, got cars... blah blah blah! You know the drill. 

My body, my mind, my way of reacting in the world is not like that of a normal temperate drinker. When i put something of a chemical basis into my system it kicks off what is known as the phenomenon of craving. That's what i call an allergy. I was privy to finally feeling that allergy (after listening to people in AA constantly talk about it for 3-4 months before i finally quit) at my friends wedding....the last in a succession of 5 weddings in a space of 6 weeks!? Each one worse than the last. I didn't smash the wedding up or make any crazy dramatic exits, but, the awareness of what each drink was doing to me got stronger and stronger......the last one was the start of the awakening.

I was at my friends house, the reception, and lots of drinks were flowing and being passed around. I thought that a bucks fizz wouldn't hurt..... i took half a glass, my friend accidentally knocked her drink down me... i was 2 seconds away from punching her in the face! I stepped back, realised it wasn't me, violent acts like that wasn't me...i felt the plunge of reality and desperately sobered myself up outside.

I saw the allergy kick off. I was done! 15 years of drinking!! I was ready 10 years before this...but as they say better late than NEVER!

This year i will be celebrating 5 years. This was my 5th sober Xmas and New Year. It's weird to think that booze ain't part of my life anymore. And it's even weirder to think that booze was in my life in the first place. I loved to drink hard, party hard and fuck about... well, you get the picture. Today isn't like that. I still have much to learn. 15 years of drinking and 4 odd years of sobriety is good, but i've only just scratched the surface. And there are endless possibilities on what my life can be or will be....

I've been given another chance. I've had so many jobs, boyfriends, houses, hair styles, hair colours, courses, friends, co-workers...too many to name or remember! When i got bored i changed....i've learnt to stay. To not move. I don't run away anymore. You know what..... i will quote one of my fave passages in the Big Book - The promises pages 83-84

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

Working through the 12 step programme has been far better than i'd ever imagined. The bonus is it's free, it's self supporting, there's no influence of any "IN" recovery companies, we share our experience with each other for FREE... sponsors are just other alcoholics..

Now when i hear, "go for gold" i think fuck yeah! I will go for gold. I'm learning to be part of the wider community and i can even see that my life has been about this moment. For all pain comes great truth. I can stand up and be counted. I try to be an ok human being these days. Recently I've been getting into meditation and looking into other spiritual practices. Buddhism has cropped up a few times, and hey...i'm looking into what it's all about. I like some books by a guy called OSHO... i'm looking after my body and trying to do the very best i can. And sometimes, if all i can do is my lousy best...then it's my lousy best!!

The point is i am NOT perfect, i won't ever be... but i am willing to change, grow, be the person i was always meant to be. My higher power - my grandfather - spirit - is always around me, inside me...guiding me to a life that is happy, joyous and free. 

The life i lead is over, and it continues to end each day. There's a line in a movie that used to haunt me, 

"You may be done with the past, but the past isn't done with you..." Magnolia

I thought this would be true...and it isn't. I haven't shunned the past, i embraced it...faced it, asked courage to continually face it, speak about it with my sponsor, forgive myself and others...say sorry for the shit i did and ask every single day for my defects to be taken away so i can be the person i was always meant to be.

And this can be true for anyone else willing to do something different.....i finally changed the fucking record!!!

Here's to 2011 and all that is awaiting us...Endless possibilities