Love, life and living with active alcoholism

Hi everyone,



I wanted to share a recent experience with you and how it has triggered some old memories, feelings and painful emotions. 



Here's a little historical background about me before i begin... 



Currently i am 32, i have a full time job and live in the East End of London. I'm also a recovering alcoholic, i will be sober 5 years in July. I come from a severely dysfunctional background. Both parents are alcoholics and my bro is currently in prison from this illness, he is 24.

So, the experience. I have a landlady who is not very well. She admitted to me during the Christmas of 2009 that her mother is a recovering alcoholic. And that her mum has been sober for 26 years. Yep, pretty impressive amount of time. But, I've met her mother. Her mum is not very nice, not very happy and 100% scary. 



My landlady, lets call her Dee for now, admitted that she thought she might have a problem with alcohol too. I confided with her that i was part of Alcoholics Anonymous. She began to say that her mother put her off AA many years before. This was sad and i felt sorry for her but I did not try to change her mind, AA is about attraction not promotion. 



Anyway, over the last year her behaviour has progressed and deteriorated rapidly. We are not friends she is my landlady but I have always tried to be as accommodating as possible.

A few months ago i had an argument with her new boyfriend, lets call him Frank, he is tall, butch, aggressive and controlling. During the argument I began to have flash backs of times when my father would go for me. In my mind i thought this person was going to hit me. When i was young i would attack first, for fear of being hurt. At once i envisioned smashing him in the face with whatever i could get my hands on. 



But then a new voice was speaking inside my head, it said "Get out now!"... i told him that i was asserting my rights to be silent, and that i would talk to them another time. 



Dee was standing behind him, the flash in my mind showed her mirroring how my mother used to behave. Either goading me into fighting him or vice versa her goading my father into attacking me. 

I walked out the room as calmly as i could.

I was shaking with a mixture of terror and violence. I was scared what i would do to him and her. But, like i said, the new voice was much stronger than me and guided me out of the room.

My old reaction would have been to go for him, try to punch him where ever i could. But something had developed and has finally grown in me. I was able to walk away from the situation and not get embroiled in the sick melodrama.



On that day, i decided that i would no longer be living in this house. My room is a dream. It resembles an artists studio, nothing like i ever imagined to live in. However, i know happiness is much more than how beautiful a room, area or friends are. This experience showed me i do not have to live in such circumstances anymore.



When i was a child i had no choices. I had no voice. I had no family to run to. I had no-one protecting me.

In the last year I have found myself tip toeing on egg shells. Watching every word that i say. Making sure i do not anger her in anyway. Being overly helpful, caring, nice, or even wonderful... the list is endless. 



Does this ring any bells?

Of course. I have been behaving exactly the same way as i did with my parents for 20 odd years. 



The worst thing about this experience is how it has brought up so much pain and hurt from my past. Moments that i believed had been worked through with various therapists. The mark my parents behaviour has left on me will undoubtedly stay with me until i die. However, i have learnt many tools to cope, grow, change and learn about how i react to such situations as the one i described.



Alcoholism is a sad, devastating illness... it touches on every part of society. It does not choose who it touches. It does not care where you are from, what sex you are, height, education nothing! 

All week i have been shrouded under a cloud of acid rain. I noted down the feelings that this week has brought up in me.

And this is what i wrote...



Dee:


Unpredictable

Disorientation
Confusion

Pain
Anger
Constant lies
Constant excuses
Her behaviour is unacceptable

And the final feeling, i have been projecting how i will handle her upon my leaving the house. Will she give me my money back? Will she turn up? Will she bring her angry boyfriend with her? Will she argue and be nasty? Will i have to call the police??

I have constantly had the worse case scenarios in my head... constantly! I have spent all week working out how to cope with her. How to communicate with her next...

To others this may seem utter madness, total insanity! “Why the hell should you waste all of this time?” I can hear them say. Well, if you lived the life that i did, then this over-reaction would seem totally normal and understandable. Because it is!! It is understandable! I spent 20 yrs of my life being morphed and conditioned to accept this way of living. And in the end, it nearly killed me.

As i said before, i will be 5 years sober this July. I had help, lots of help. I'm not diminishing what i did to get sober, happy and sane. All i am saying is that i asked for help. And help came in abundance!

Life is about love, life is about trust, and most of all life is about being happy.



Peace :)

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Love is recovery...

Love is…

There is always hope

Love is elusive,

Captivating,

Endless

It does not censor

An idea of love was, objectification

Once upon a time…

Now,

My heart’s a glow,

Soul touched

Spirit free

This is between you and me

My shining white sheet of mystery

I stand,

I feel,

I am,

I am me…

Love is not what it used to be…

A mass of endless electrocuting emotions

Strapped down

Shocked in

Breaking point

Was desperate to be seen...

Did anything to find

Turned tricks for kicks

Should’a been paid

The lights are on and someone’s home

The fire isn’t blazing

My minds not dying

I’m at last

In love

With life

Gratitude lists...

So, the infamous Gratitude list! This post isn't going to be a mammoth one like the last... yeah ok, i hear a sigh of relief from you... i thought it would be nice to share some of my very early grat lists. Excuse my handwriting, bad grammar and poor spelling. Thank god that my gratitude list isn't meant to be perfection, it isn't about how good i can write - not one bit! 


It's about true heart emotion and feeling that's what must come into play when i'm focusing on the good shit in my life! To see the goodness not the darkness. Like i've said before, i lived in darkness for decades. My whole life was built on the dark side of life... It'd be great to hear what you put on your lists. My new ones are typed on the computer these days. I'm a fast typer, and i can get the words out a lot quicker than writing... but i love all my grat books. They sit on shelf proudly.


Peace :)
This one was written in 2006

 And as you can see this one...2007

  

Daily affirmations - Do they work?

I’ve read a handful of articles and blogs talking about this very subject. It’s one of those questions that I believe can’t totally be scientifically measured. Human interactions and responses are still very difficult to quantify. I’ll class myself a layman by the way, before I get into trouble making statements like the one above. But I am very interested in the development of the human psyche. I’m in the midst of gearing up to train to become an Art Therapist (one of the external things that I’ve welcomed into my life because of AA). But we’re not chatting about that today.

Back to the question, do daily affirmations work? This is my personal reasoning as to why they do. Coming from a 12 step programme has meant that I am at an advantage for affirmations working and for them doing what it says on the tin, so to speak. Why you ask? Well, when my sponsor got me onto the road of the 12 step programme I was given 6 things to do. She called them suggestions to a better way of living. A guide to help me focus on that day only…not yesterday, not the future but TODAY.

One thing she gave me to focus on was the “Gratitude list” – I was brought up in a chronically self centred and dysfunctional house hold. Everything and anything was a drama! And if there weren’t any dramas, you’d sure as hell see something being created to fill that void. I tried to take in positive affirmations around that time…and they worked for a brief moment. But then I’d forget it and slip back into the heady world of depression and hopelessness. So, when I began to create gratitude lists things began to change… at the end of every day it was suggested that I wrote at least 10 good things that had happened - and if I was of a depressive nature – I was told to re-read them first thing in the morning to remember what a great day I’d had the day before. This slowly strengthened my resolve to stay clean and sober….and ultimately it strengthened my memory for good things. It shone a light on my shitty thinking…stinking thinking as my sponsor told me regularly.

I had a bad memory for good things happening in my life - I constantly forgot everything. In fact, I had the worst memory for ANY type of elation ever! I continuously focused on every single minute detail of shiteness - because that’s how I’d been shown how to live. My mum did the best she could… and this was how she was shown how to live…and in turn it was passed down from generation to generation. Breaking the cycle hasn’t been easy. But the reminder that it’s “Just for Today” kept me in good stead. When I became panicky and felt the world falling around me, or getting too much for me, I was gently guided back to the “Just for Today” sentiment. And then the “Gratitude list”….My sponsor would tell me, first do your step 10’s (for anyone new, this is a daily written checking list of ANY resentments that you may have in order for you to face them, forgive them and move on – I’ll write more about it in other postings) and then once the 10’s were done, write a gratitude list.

It amazed me how I survived particular dramas, work dramas, relationship dramas, friendship dramas….family dramas! And every time I did this combination of looking at what pissed me off and then writing a gratitude list, my happiness grew. Just to note, I also asked my HP to take any anger away that I couldn’t let go of, I asked for the person (I was upset with) to be given everything they needed to have the happiest and most joyful day – this helped lift the curse on some difficult resentments.

But like anything in life that isn’t maintained, it can begin to tarnish, things seem less sparkly, life isn’t giving us what we want and over time the idea of a drink sounds appealing and even needed…like the gardener who works hard on his champion garden, only to then get lazy and complacent…the garden overruns with weeds, the ivy takes over the plants and strangles the life out them, the grass overgrows and with no sunlight and nourishment the garden slowly dies.

Daily affirmations helped give me something I never had in my family. It gave me clear, unconditional, emotionally loving, supportive, suggestive, unifying, balancing views on the world around me. And it also helped me develop a world inside me - more importantly. Some are better than others, some make no sense, and some are just a collection of thoughts…well….I suppose all of them are a collection of thoughts.

I have a handful of books on my table when I go to meditate and pray in the morning. Years ago I had to read them every single day; I was a baron waste ground. I had no trust in anything, anyone not even myself. So, yes, to me they do work. But like I said maintenance is the key. Without asking for help from my HP every day, without writing about the good stuff, clearing the shit away… life can slowly drift down to darkness and despair. I’ve been in that world for too long, the happy world is far better for me and everyone around me (I can’t believe it sometimes, people actually want to be around me these days!?!)

When I was at Uni my tutors used to say that,
“design was only 5% and the rest was 95% - managing and maintenance...”

Some of the articles have suggested that people reading this stuff will be holding themselves tightly rocking backwards and forwards saying, “everything is ok…everything is ok….” Then blindly ignoring everything in their life, downplaying any type of ill perceived thought or action. There are some folk who do this…I was one of those people. But that’s why I feel the 12 step programme and the affirmations are a far better combination to help flourish in life. Ok, ok, this isn’t about selling 12 step stuff to you this is about me saying why affirmations have worked for me! But, I’ve seen both sides of the coin.

Many years ago I worked for a firm that was obsessed with the Tony Robbins phenomenon. At the time I loved working with half of the office because they were full on, positive, determined and just had this, “go for it” attitude. And then I remember observing the other half of the office. They were quiet, shy, a little on the melancholic side definitely not go getters - that was for sure…and at the time I remember judging them harshly for it without really knowing about them, their lives or what their story was.

On one occasion, one of the go getters made a blasé comment about homeless people…he said that they had a choice and that they could do something different but they were lazy and ignorant… I felt very uncomfortable with his seemingly heartless take on the matter. I think I argued the point…but in hindsight I see how dangerous certain types of self delusional thinking can be. Things don’t just happen overnight. You don’t just become homeless! I’ve been close to being homelessness many times. I’m bloody lucky that I haven’t. Especially after the amount of jobs I’ve lost, the amount of friends I’ve pissed off, the amount of arguments I’ve had with my folks… and was threatened with being thrown out many times.

This chap had no idea what hardships were about (well, not to this level anyway). He spouted some tabloid shit on the subject rather than really having any compassion or real knowledge. It’s far easier to blow out hot gas than to be loving or compassionate to someone’s plight. I’ve had friends that lived in hostels, shelters, women protection units… they didn’t want to be there, but didn’t know anything different or even how to get off the merry-go-round.

I feel that affirmations are an addition to something greater rather than BEING the cure. How can they be the cure? Some people assign magical thinking to affirmations, some have an inability to be honest to themselves and others, some base their whole existence on the unrealistic viewpoints of people in the “Media”… In my using career I couldn’t think my way out of a paper bag let alone thinking my way into some new awesome bloody life!

I’ve seen affirmations tell you to, “think your way to better looking skin?!?!?” What the fuck!? Really? If you eat better, drink more water and lay off eating shit then I think your skin would look better! That’s when positive affirmations border on being completely insane…ok ok, that’s my opinion! And yes I have many….

Having a dream, being focused, changing attitudes, taking on new view points, having hopes and aspirations are all the things that we, as social animals, need to survive on Earth. Even the Dalai Lama acknowledges that desire is an essential part to our survival. The point I’m trying to make (hopefully) is that affirmations need to be part of a balanced diet, ha! Love it! Rather than be the ONLY way to happy destiny.

For me I had to start small. Being in early recovery is about slowing the fuck down! Standing in one spot, looking at the ground and acknowledging that you are in one place and trying not to drift off into the past or future…rehashing real or imagined arguments, berating yourself for the opportunities you missed or fucked up, the lovers that you lost, the friends you lost, the fact you’re too old or too young, don’t have enough money…. The list is endless! Just for today…that’s where it starts…asking your chosen HP for guidance, for help, for direction even the ability to do the next best thing… that part of you that you learnt to shut down will slowly come alive. If you never had it (pretty much like me) then trust it will come. Asking for help…fuck, yes that is hard. Feeling full of pride can stop the spirit of the light… and all manner of problems can arise. Progress not perfection.

I fought long and hard against any happiness or joy being part of my existence (believe me, I can be one stubborn mother…) ….and now, they both are, in abundance. When I’m cranky it’s because I haven’t done something in my life…nothing outside has changed, but I know, when I’m in a shitty mood I need to check in with me and find out what’s going on and remedy it quick!

Anyway, I’ll leave it at that for now.

Obviously this is my own personal take on the subject and if you disagree, then you disagree. What works for me may not work for you. I’d like to hear from you if you don’t agree and if you do! Or if you just wanna share books you know of, web pages you know of. I'll always do my best to remain flexible, open and honest! Also, my opinion is only based on my experience... no-one else's!

Peace :)

Endless possibilities

There are a ton of sayings in AA that used to really piss me off. But, everything in my early days pissed me off! Now as the years go by the sayings seem to take on new meaning and morph into something that i now know to be true. 

I took pride in myself knowing everything.... at first it was because i was brought up to believe that this was the case. Bullshitting and blagging my way through school, uni, work and of course life..... I was told being weak was a heinous crime. I'm from a family of Irish Catholic, Northern (British), Cockney mixed breed and this brought out the fighter in me (a good old fashioned mongrel). My mother and father were a feisty pair. The love of drama, booze, violence (and probably each other) was always the priority....

I thought that my mum loved the charade...being that, "perfect neighbour" or even that, "perfect mother". She taught me how to make others believe we were doing exceptionally well, but all the while dying a very slow death inside. The thing is, i don't suppose she did love this...fearful of being found out as being a fraud...terrified of people knowing what went on behind closed doors, knowing that our entire existence was a lie!

The house was immaculate, the garden a dream...the path, the flowers, not a blade out of line. The house hoovered and dusted everyday. If i left a dirty glass in my room World War III would rage...she'd chase me round the house with my fathers slippers smacking the backs of my legs. Sometimes chasing me up the stairs...i thought she'd kill me. I cried a lot in my early years. My memories consist of me crying so much that i lose my breathe....it happened frequently.

We lived in a council estate - a pretty nice one compared to some of my friends - but, still a council estate. My mother hated this. The phone would ring and she'd answer instantly putting on the poshest and most proper British accent you would ever hear. I'd sit and cringe feeling totally ashamed of her.... It upset me because I knew she was ashamed of living in a council house.

My father was rarely home. He worked abroad, sent money back, called from time to time talking about this gift or that gift. When he did return his favourite past time was isolating in front of the TV smoking and getting hammered. My dad was uncouth, told dirty jokes (way too young for me to hear them!) was rarely warm, only when he'd had a few jars. On some occasions after travelling on long car journeys the car would pull up outside our house, and i'd pretend to be asleep so he'd carry me to my bed. That was the only time he held me. I cherished those moments. 

My mum also loved to isolate. We didn't have many people over to the house. I later found out that her drunken antics angered and scared away all of her friends, and the neighbours. She made lots of enemies on our street. Telling them to go fuck themselves occasionally when she felt threatened. Giving them the most dirtiest of looks when they annoyed her. It's funny, writing this post shows me how much i became her. 

There were moments sublime, but, as the years fell by so did those moments. By the age of 9 i was deeply depressed and wanted to die. 

Being in AA has shown me that these two people, called mum and dad, were only doing their very best. There were tons of moments that deeply hurt me, but, something unexplainable has happened since coming into the rooms. I've been given the gift of forgiveness and compassion. I've even begun to love them again. 

I can quote masses of the Big Book at you if i so choose, but, not in this posting.... i won't...not today. I want to talk to you about my experience through my eyes. It may resonate with you, it may not.  I want to share, because when i began to drink life FINALLY began for me. At the tender age of 13!!

Up until that moment life had been a thousand scenarios of sadness, loneliness, desperation, fear, and major let downs. Promises constantly broken.... "i'll help you with this...." - "i'll be at home..." - "i'm sorry...." that last one was always a fave for both parents. Followed by, "i'm sorry but...well...you shouldn't make mummy/daddy angry". So when that glorious moment of booze was unleashed into my system i couldn't give a flying fuck what the past was about, what the future held or what would be waiting for me when i got home. For i was ALIVE AND FREE!!!

I remember looking in the mirror feeling it was a pleasurable experience. The reflection wasn't that bad, i wasn't that bad...i was ok, i was NICE!! I was warm, felt loving, smiley, i laughed with ease... there was a sense of freedom in my heart. The prison i'd been caged in (at home and in my soul) was no longer there.

AA has given me the vocabulary to describe that moment. Because i had no idea just how powerful that first drink was. The description of my family life above is not a full description by any means. I've chosen to omit things because quite frankly they do not need to be discussed today. You can kind of read between the lines on some things. I lived in a deeply disturbed house hold. BUT... i'm not an alcoholic because of these factors. I have friends who had shite examples of living and they did not turn out to be alcoholics! 

Lots of my old skool mates grew out of their "wild" moments, went and had kids, got mortgages, got cars... blah blah blah! You know the drill. 

My body, my mind, my way of reacting in the world is not like that of a normal temperate drinker. When i put something of a chemical basis into my system it kicks off what is known as the phenomenon of craving. That's what i call an allergy. I was privy to finally feeling that allergy (after listening to people in AA constantly talk about it for 3-4 months before i finally quit) at my friends wedding....the last in a succession of 5 weddings in a space of 6 weeks!? Each one worse than the last. I didn't smash the wedding up or make any crazy dramatic exits, but, the awareness of what each drink was doing to me got stronger and stronger......the last one was the start of the awakening.

I was at my friends house, the reception, and lots of drinks were flowing and being passed around. I thought that a bucks fizz wouldn't hurt..... i took half a glass, my friend accidentally knocked her drink down me... i was 2 seconds away from punching her in the face! I stepped back, realised it wasn't me, violent acts like that wasn't me...i felt the plunge of reality and desperately sobered myself up outside.

I saw the allergy kick off. I was done! 15 years of drinking!! I was ready 10 years before this...but as they say better late than NEVER!

This year i will be celebrating 5 years. This was my 5th sober Xmas and New Year. It's weird to think that booze ain't part of my life anymore. And it's even weirder to think that booze was in my life in the first place. I loved to drink hard, party hard and fuck about... well, you get the picture. Today isn't like that. I still have much to learn. 15 years of drinking and 4 odd years of sobriety is good, but i've only just scratched the surface. And there are endless possibilities on what my life can be or will be....

I've been given another chance. I've had so many jobs, boyfriends, houses, hair styles, hair colours, courses, friends, co-workers...too many to name or remember! When i got bored i changed....i've learnt to stay. To not move. I don't run away anymore. You know what..... i will quote one of my fave passages in the Big Book - The promises pages 83-84

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

Working through the 12 step programme has been far better than i'd ever imagined. The bonus is it's free, it's self supporting, there's no influence of any "IN" recovery companies, we share our experience with each other for FREE... sponsors are just other alcoholics..

Now when i hear, "go for gold" i think fuck yeah! I will go for gold. I'm learning to be part of the wider community and i can even see that my life has been about this moment. For all pain comes great truth. I can stand up and be counted. I try to be an ok human being these days. Recently I've been getting into meditation and looking into other spiritual practices. Buddhism has cropped up a few times, and hey...i'm looking into what it's all about. I like some books by a guy called OSHO... i'm looking after my body and trying to do the very best i can. And sometimes, if all i can do is my lousy best...then it's my lousy best!!

The point is i am NOT perfect, i won't ever be... but i am willing to change, grow, be the person i was always meant to be. My higher power - my grandfather - spirit - is always around me, inside me...guiding me to a life that is happy, joyous and free. 

The life i lead is over, and it continues to end each day. There's a line in a movie that used to haunt me, 

"You may be done with the past, but the past isn't done with you..." Magnolia

I thought this would be true...and it isn't. I haven't shunned the past, i embraced it...faced it, asked courage to continually face it, speak about it with my sponsor, forgive myself and others...say sorry for the shit i did and ask every single day for my defects to be taken away so i can be the person i was always meant to be.

And this can be true for anyone else willing to do something different.....i finally changed the fucking record!!!

Here's to 2011 and all that is awaiting us...Endless possibilities

Welcome to 2011...

Well, with a New Year fast approaching i wanted to share a small blog with you all...unfortunately my ability to do the simplest tasks today is...er...wavering! I have, for one reason or another, accidentally deleted the Tumblr account?!?! 

The website people have said they can do nothing to get it back! So, i'm taking this as an opportunity to start again. How apt i hear you say! I mean that's what the New Year's all about isn't it? 

I pay homage to the old blog and express my appreciation at the joy it has given me and you (i hope). There are thousands of people expressing themselves through this great medium and i feel blessed i can string a sentence together without slurring, crying or breaking down over a few words. Amen to recovery and all who are in my life. 

I hope not to delete this blog... actually i think this is it! They told me that if i wanted to delete it i couldn't! So, welcome to the New Serenity East page.... let's see what the New Year brings.

I hope that tonight, whatever you choose to do, is one that you'll love and remember (with fondness). 

I've chosen to stay home. The last few days i've been mulling over what i could do. Some folk took pity on me and said, "oh, well if you get lonely come to ours"....the gesture was heart felt. But in reality i'm not lonely i'll just be alone. I knew this would be the case yesterday.... i've had my chosen dinner, my fave cold drink (non-alkie of course) and watching my fave movies. This is the very first year on my own and boy am i relieved! No mentalness from the streets of London, no pushing or shoving to get to the front of the Thames! No cold rain and wind! Warm house, warm room, warm bed!

The New Year is going to be awesome, i feel it. So, there we have it... New Year New Blog.

Peace and love to all 

:} A great image below, the Truth... "To thine ownself be true..."

http://theuberblog.tumblr.com/post/2104168354